Over the last couple of years, I’ve gone from being an accountant, meat-eater and enthusiastic shopper, to a minimalist vegan who is working towards becoming an online entrepreneur.
These changes have left me feeling isolated in social situations. Most of my friends and family members have steady jobs that they don’t really like, love animal products and are victims of consumerism. This leaves us with little in common. Not only that, it also often leads to tension in conversations.
At first, I would just smile and nod. But after some time, you get sick of the same responses over and over again.
Common responses to being a minimalist:
- Why are you getting rid of everything?
- Don’t you think that is a little extreme?
- What if you need that one day?
- Wouldn’t that be boring?
- Oh no, you can’t get rid of that!
Common responses for being vegan:
- Do you get enough nutrients?
- Your heritage matters, you know?
- What do you eat anyway?
- I could never give up meat, I love it too much!
- OK I get it, but I still don’t understand why you don’t drink milk.
- What if it’s organic meat? That’s OK right?
- What I had my own chickens, surely eating their eggs would be totally fine?
Common responses for wanting to be an online entrepreneur:
- How do you make money from a blog?
- So what do you ACTUALLY do for work?
- You should totally sell tea!
- Why did you quit your last job? You were so good at it!
- I value security too much to do that.
- Why don’t you just get a normal job?
So with all of these common responses, you can’t help but get a little upset. Sometimes I feel like a young teenage boy yelling at my parents, “YOU JUST DON’T GET ME!!”
But instead of storming to my bedroom kicking and screaming, what I’m learning is that this is simply the way society is conditioned. And as soon as you try to do something “different” or question what is “normal”, people think you’re weird or an idealist.
You may not have the exact same values as me, but you may have similar feelings with some of the things you feel strongly about. So I’ve created three strategies to help combat the social challenges of being different.
Disclaimer: this first strategy may come across as cold, and systematic. It’s not my intention to put a number on people that you have relationships with but I’ve found this analogy the easiest way to bring clarity to the situation. Take it with a grain of salt.
Strategy 1 – Change your starting five
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn.
This is probably one of the most important lifehacks that everyone should know. Just like “you are what you eat”, “you are who you hang out with”.
I’m going to break off into a basketball analogy for a moment. Please stay with me here.
There are typically ten players on a basketball team. However, only five players can be on the court at any given time. So, depending on the lineup, you have a starting five (which are your best players) and your bench (your support players).
Starting five (the people you want to spend the most time with)
- Mary – 3 shared values
- John – 2 shared values
- Sarah – 2 shared values, 1 common interest
- Ben – 4 shared values
- James – 1 very strong shared value, 2 common interests
Bench (people you spend less time with)
- Debra – Family
- Tim – Family
- Mark – Childhood friend
- Paul – 2 common interests
- Melissa – Childhood friend
So when choosing the people you want to spend the most time with, think about recruiting your starting five first. Think about people you know (or would like to get to know) who share common values and have a positive impact on your life. You can do this by going to in-person events, using meetup.com to find people with common interests, or joining online communities, whether it’s Facebook groups or forums.
Next up, recruit your bench players. These could be old friends, family members or up-and-coming stars who could eventually make your starting five.
The handy thing about the bench is that they get limited court time and usually have specific skills. So this could be an old friend who still doesn’t understand why you don’t wear leather. As they’re on the bench, you don’t see them as much. But sometimes you can find common ground with other interests. Maybe you’re both really interested in rock climbing, so this is what you typically talk about or do when you’re together. Or maybe you catch up a few times a year to reminisce on the good old days.
Your starting five however are the people you look forward to spending more time with. You seem to connect on multiple levels and you walk away from interactions feeling energised and satisfied. This is your winning team so make sure you recruit wisely.
Obviously, your team will change as your grow and develop. But make it a habit of checking who your starting five is and make tweaks and changes as necessary. It sounds a little ruthless, but the reality is, every moment you spend with someone who is not adding value (or worse, brining you down) is an opportunity wasted with someone who brings out the best in you.
Also note, you shouldn’t choose your starting five purely based on common values and interests. Personally traits like trustworthiness, sense of humour, reliability, fun, emotional connection are all still crucial factors when choosing which relationships you want to develop.
Strategy 2 – Don’t try to change people
Inspire them instead.
If you get stuck trying to convince people about your ideals, stop yourself immediately. It’s easy for people who follow the status quo to take you down because of your differences. The key here is to stick to common interests and inspire them through your own personal development.
For example, instead of arguing about how eating animals is unethical and bad for the environment, invite your friends over for dinner, and serve up a delicious three course vegan meal.
Instead of convincing people that they don’t need to keep buying things for instant gratification, show them how peaceful you’ve become by owning less.
The moment you try to convince someone to be different, is the moment they will build up resistance towards your ideals. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. If can you positively spark their interest through your actions, then you’re doing a great thing!
Strategy 3 – Embrace being different
Don’t be different for the sake of being different. But if you feel strongly about your values, embrace it. Don’t hold back. This is who you are.
Don’t think that there is something wrong with you because you choose to question what is normal. If anything, people will find you unique and interesting, so wear it loud and proud.
So to quickly summarise how to overcome the social challenges of being different:
- Change your starting five
- Don’t try to change people (inspire them instead)
- Embrace being different
What about you?
Do you feel a little isolated because of the personal changes you’ve made (or are making)? How do you deal with it? Add your voice in the comments below.