The Ease of Saying No (If You Know This One Thing)

A lot of folks associate minimalism with decluttering. We define minimalism as the process of identifying what is essential in your life and ruthlessly eliminating things that are non-essential.

But once you’ve paired down your things, commitments, relationships, to create space for the things you care about, there’s a crucial step that follows, saying no.

Saying no, against your natural urges to not feel like you’re missing out, is the greatest challenge.

In our adolescence, many of us were consumed with the thought of having people say yes to us. We didn’t want to feel left out in school. We wanted our peers to like us. So when confronted with the thought of saying no now, it almost feels counterintuitive.

Luckily, I’ve discovered a nice little hack to make saying no, a breeze. Let’s get into it, shall we?

Note: since publishing this article, we’ve recorded a podcast episode about the same topic.

You’re not confident in what you want

Saying no starts with being crystal clear in what you want. Without knowing what you want, you don’t know what you’re compromising when you say yes.

But it’s not enough to know what you want. It’s about wanting it so much that you say no to other opportunities with ease. It’s through this process we can figure out why you would say no to some things and say yes to others.

It sounds pretty straightforward, but it’s harder than you think.

To break down this approach, we need to do some thinking.

Creating your yes-list

The commitments on your yes-list are the ones that mean the world to you. They are your non-negotiables. It could be activities that improve your health, creativity, and relationships or it could be working on your side-business.

I don’t include errands in my yes-list—even though I understand that they need to be done. I’ve intentionally left them out because listing your chores may overwhelm you with everything that needs to be done.

Research your yes-list for the things you really care about. Below is an example of my yes-list:

Spending quality time with Maša

One of my favourite things to do is to spend time with Maša, whether it’s hanging out at home, eating out or travelling. When I’m not at my day job, I don’t have many moments to spend quality time with her, so when I do, I try to make it count.

Spending quality time with our dog, Chewy

Snuggling, walking and playing with Chewy lights me up and I’m pretty sure he loves it as well! Knowing that this little guy is dependent on us is a massive responsibility and not one I take lightly. More importantly, though, he waits all day for me to come home, and I owe it to him to give him focused attention.

Writing and publishing words

Outside of Maša, and Chewy, writing is non-negotiable. I have a lot to say, and I use words to publish my thoughts and ideas. My goal is to write 1000 words a day which contributes to this blog, future books and other creative projects.

Reading, watching, and listening to fantastic content

To fuel my creativity and overall perspective, I prioritise learning. Few things excite me more than learning something new or drawing inspiration to live my best life. We’re spoilt for choice with the sheer volume of content available to us on the internet, and I want to take full advantage.

Allocating time to my yes-list

When I look at how I spend my time outside of my full-time job, the majority of what I do is on my yes-list. Again, there are some necessary errands that I must do to keep life moving forward, but it’s the list above that gets me the most excited.

Now it’s your turn. Take some time to think about what you want to put on your yes-list. It could be spending time with family, cooking, weightlifting. Whatever it is, make sure it matters deeply to you.

I’ve found it crucial to keep the list to a maximum of five commitments, ideally less. This is to ensure that you experience a level of depth with the responsibilities on your yes-list.

It’s one thing to have a list of commitments, and another to immerse yourself in the benefits of those activities. It’s only when you feel so good about what you’re doing, that you won’t think twice about saying no to other opportunities. This brings me to the next point…

Yes-list troubleshooting

So far we’ve discussed the power of a quality yes-list. I’m sure you have some questions about the variables to maintain your priorities. That’s why I’ve created a little Q&A on how to troubleshoot your yes-list.

What happens if you want to change your yes-list?

As we’re continually evolving and growing, it would only be natural if commitments on your yes-list change over time. Don’t feel pressure to get your list perfect. Think of this as version 1.0 of your yes-list. And with each version, your priorities become more refined and intentional.

What do I do if I feel guilty saying no?

My yes-list means I say no to a lot of things in my life, some more important than others. I don’t see or talk to my family as much as other people. I’m quite anti-social and lazy when it comes to maintaining friendships.

I used to feel guilty when I said no to people in my life. But what I’ve come to realise is that this is the compromise of unlocking depth in the things on my yes-list.

The way I see it, there are two choices. Either you say yes to everything and get shallow experiences because you’ve spread yourself too thin, or you say yes to a few things, and experience laser focus and enrichment.

What I found is that when I said yes to a few activities, I found it much easier to say no to the rest because of the benefits I was deriving from depth. With depth, you unlock parts of your life that weren’t there before. With depth, you’re 100% present in what you’re doing, and you feel it.

Do I have to say no to everything outside of my yes-list?

Focusing on your yes-list doesn’t mean you can never say yes to anything that’s not on your list. For example, of course, I make time to communicate with my family, and when I do, I’m present with them. But I’m well aware that I’m not going to see them as much because of what I’ve decided to focus on.

Are you ready to start saying no?

A little while ago, I published an article talking about the real value of minimalism. The premise of the post was to get readers to understand that minimalism is more about addition rather than subtraction.

When I talk to people about this topic in person, I can see that this idea goes over their heads. I hope this article makes it clearer that minimalism is a tool to empower you to pursue the things that really matter to you.

It takes courage to live with intentionality because we’re so used to excessively saying yes to things, people and commitments. It’s when you do the hard work of figuring out what you want, and ruthlessly pursuing it, you’ll understand the value of minimalism.

So my question to you now is, are you ready to say no? Would love to hear about your experiences in the comments below.